4th November 2006
They don’t know much about the etiquette of grieving
in Summer Bay. “Grief’s a funny thing,” Sally said
this week. You’re telling me – and never more so when
you see what this shower are wearing to express their
loss. Cassie always appears to be wearing nothing, as
someone appears to have cut all the straps from
everything in her wardrobe; and Amanda’s chest is a
melon stall on permanent display.
Living in hope that Robbie and Martha are still
alive, Tasha and Jack have nevertheless taken comfort
in each other’s arms. On Monday they are together
again, and Tasha takes his hand to guide over her
belly (and it’s a long trip, believe me). On Tuesday,
having been taken to hospital in pain, she attacks
Irene for interfering and claims that Jack’s support
is the only thing that is getting her through. Well,
that and seeing him in his skimpy white vest,
presumably.
Meanwhile, back in the bush on Friday, everyone is
sick, apart from Robbie, whose glasses have remained
intact, having survived yet another disaster. I really
wish they would make planes out of the stuff Robbie’s
lenses are made out of.

21st October 2006
“Everybody get down!” shouted Peter, shortly before
the explosion tore the barn apart at Martha and Jack’s
wedding. Little did he know that he would be getting
down a great deal sooner and deeper than anyone else –
six feet under, to be precise. Still, it was good to
see that his always perfect hair lay untouched by his
ordeal, as, indeed, did Jack’s face, which bore not a
mark. That’s more than we could say for Tasha, but
then she always appears to be in a state of
post-explosion.
On Tuesday she is fearful when she feels
contractions, but after assuring words from Robbie,
doubtless telling her to KEEEEEEEEEP CAAAAAAAAALM, in
that inimitable gentle way he has, she is okay, and
the baby stays where it is. Let’s be honest: with
Tasha for a mother, you’re going to want to hang in
there for as long as you can.
There is yet another rescue operation under way
with the loss of the helicopter, but on Thursday the
search party arrives back without having found
anything. On Friday Alf blames Rachel for sending the
group off in the first place, but he comes to in order
to give another of his rallying speeches about the
great community spirit in Summer Bay. At the rate
everyone is dying, spirits will be all that are left
in the place.

14th October 2006
Just when a smile threatened to cross the face of
every Summer Bay resident, along comes yet another
tragedy. On Monday, just as Jack and Martha are
declared husband and wife and take the floor for the
bridal waltz, Zoe turns up in the doorway, seemingly
holding Tracey hostage. It transpires, however, that
Tracey has been her accomplice all along. When the
barn fills with gas, you know that the cake with
sparklers on it is a BIG MISTAKE. Sure enough, there
is yet another disaster, and on Tuesday we learn that
Peter has been brain damaged in the fire (How could
they tell?). Jack is also injured and needs a liver
transplant to survive, but will Dan be willing to
donate his brother’s?
On Thursday Amanda discovers that Belle is her
daughter and is none to happy to discover that her
mother lied about the baby having died. It can’t be
that much of a surprise, discovering that the two most
horrible people in the Bay share the same genes, but
on Friday Belle is adamant that she wants no sort of
relationship with Amanda. You and the rest of the Bay.

7th October 2006
“I can’t believe I’m in this position again,” said
Rachel, as she found herself having to face the
hospital Board once more. You and me both, but then
these things do tend to be cyclical. On Thursday there
is better news for her when she is offered a job in
New York, on the proviso that she leave in two days.
She has no hesitation in turning it down, and when Kim
offers to go with her she still has doubts, as she
worries about the permanency of their relationship. My
worry is that he has only two vests in his wardrobe,
and those New York winters can be cold.
Kim’s response is to propose, and on Friday Rachel
accepts both his proposal and the job and the couple
prepare to leave. Oh, no. Who is going to keep us
entertained by getting down to his smalls, if Kim is
off? I hate you, Rachel.

23rd September 2006
Kim was way overdressed in a suit and tie to accompany
his father to court, but it wasn’t long before he was
back in his white vest, and even, for a substantial
amount of time, without it. Clearly, Charlie is
impressed by him too, but the obsession has started to
take on a sinister tone. On Thursday Charlie sends him
some flowers, which Kim thinks is just plain weird.
When he goes to the hospital to visit his gran and she
later dies, suspicion falls on him. Believing that
Rachel is coming between him and Kim, on Friday he
files a complaint of medical negligence against her.
Dan and Leah’s romantic meal is interrupted on
Thursday when Amanda returns and announces herself as
a professional film maker. The company plan to move
into the Bay for a month and take it over, with Amanda
as producer of the project. Only Alf has objections,
but then the cultural wasteland that is Alf’s world is
an unchanging one.
There are celebrations in the Holden house on
Monday, when Jack and Martha announce their
engagement, but the smile is soon wiped off Jack’s
face when Peter informs him that Zoe is back in town.
It’s supposed to be a secret, but when Sally finds her
place trashed on Tuesday, people start to suspect that
something is wrong. When, oh when, is Sally going to
find a locksmith and learn how to use a key? How many
more times do I have to tell her to keep the damned
place locked up.

16th September 2006
“These last eight weeks have been torture to me,” said
Barry. You and me both. I was starting to wonder
whether we would ever discover the identity of Josh’s
killer, and not in a million years did I imagine it
would turn out to be Barry. But it was down to Morag,
she of the stale ginger nut complexion, to nail him in
return for the police agreeing not to charge her for
messing up their enquiry. On Monday it’s Barry’s bail
hearing, and Irene is still adamant that she wants
nothing more to do with him. Heaven help the poor guy
- Morag has decided to take his case, so we can assume
he’ll be looking at at least two life sentences. She
puts up the money for his bail and on Wednesday he
calls Irene, begging for a second chance.
The hunt for Zoe continues on Monday, when she
starts messing with Peter’s head – not an easy thing
to do, with that Taj Mahal of a quiff standing on his
head. He finds a note saying “You’re dead” on his
windscreen, and he only narrowly escapes being shot.
On Tuesday Zoe ups the ante and places a bomb in
Peter’s apartment – and there are just two and a half
minutes on the clock. But is the bomb real? And, if it
is, will Peter’s quiff protect his brains from being
blown away?

9th September 2006
“He organised the whole thing pretty quickly,” said
Robbie, about Alf, as the old stalwart organised yet
another search party. He damn well ought to have; he’s
done it often enough. Yes, everyone gathered yet again
at Noah’s to set off to find the latest missing person
– Dan. His last act before disappearing was to move in
on Sally. “He kissed me; it must be his injury,” she
claimed. You said it.
With Dan back safely at the hospital, attention
turns again on Monday to the identity of Josh’s
killer. On Tuesday, at last, we discover his identity,
and to say that it’s a surprise is more than an
understatement. I can reveal, though, that it isn’t
Peter. How would he have had time to pull a gun when
it must take him at least five hours to quiff his hair
each morning?

19th August 2006
Oh, make up your mind, Leah. First you didn’t want Dan, then you did, then you didn’t. He caught you kissing Hugh; you caught him kissing some slapper. So what. “We can salvage something from this,” he said, upon learning that she had been thinking of getting back with him. No chance. “I want a divorce,” she said.

On Monday she will doubtless change her mind again, when Peter arrives to tell her that Dan has been in a terrible accident. It certainly won’t be one involving his razor; doesn’t the man ever shave? Dan has serious injuries which require him to have an immediate operation, without which he will die. There is an even greater shock in store when Leah discovers that he might have tried to take his own life, but on Wednesday, when he wakes from his coma, they learn the truth. Leah offers to look after him, and he gratefully accepts. Here we go again.

The identity of Josh’s killer is brought into question again on Wednesday, when a hair found at the murder scene turns out to be Peter’s. I’d like to question those results. Peter wears so much product on his locks, the chances of any of them shedding without resorting to use of a JCB are nil.

12th August 2006
It seems that the identification of Josh’s killer is
going to drag on for as long as Flynn’s death did. On
Monday Bob tells Morag that he has surveillance photos
identifying the killer and that the murderer saw Bob
as he/she was leaving the scene of the crime. He wants
Morag to help get him out of the country and, as
everything does when Morag’s legal brain is enlisted,
it all goes horribly wrong. Morag ends up being
charged with obstructing a police investigation,
although the police in Summer Bay always seem pretty
adept at doing that themselves.
On Tuesday there is another breathrough and Martha
comes under suspicion – again. On Wednesday she is off
the hook – again. Anyone got any coffee to keep me
awake?

5th August 2006
When is Tasha going to pluck those eyebrows? As her
hair increasingly resembles a rundown barn through
lack of brushing, the eyebrows are now looking like
two hedgehogs hiding in the straw. Robbie must fear
for his glasses every time he approaches. It looks as
if she is bugging him as much as she is bugging me,
and On Thursday he pours out all his frustration about
Tasha and the Believers when he loses his assignment
on the computer. Tasha overhears the lot, and there is
some serious emotional damage for the couple to repair
on Friday. Inevitably, they do, and Tasha has even
fixed the computer and saved the assignment. The idea
that this woman is a whiz with technology is about as
believable as Morag being a good solicitor, but at
least the pair live to fight another day.
The best news of the week is that Alf is out of
prison on Thursday. Stone the crows. Knock me down
with a wombat.

29th July 2006
There was no way that the show could see Robbie or
Tasha banged up for the murder of Josh – the pair are
too central to just about every storyline in the Bay.
On Monday, unable to see his pregnant wife go to
prison, Robbie confesses to the murder, but on Tuesday
Tasha tells the truth – or at least, the truth as she
believes it to be.
The gun she threw into the river and which the
police retrieve turns out not to be the murder weapon
after all. Although she fired the gun, Tasha did not
check to see whether Josh was dead, which means there
was another killer. Blimey. This is turning into a
conspiracy more complicated than the assassination of
JFK.
On Wednesday Morag is in the frame again, when we
see her denying any involvement in the surveillance of
Josh, and then shredding key photographs. If Morag is
responsible, it’s hard to believe that the cops would
not have found DNA evidence linking her to the crime:
you can’t don that much lipstick and hair dye and
expect your path to go untraced.

22nd July 2006
Robbie reckoned that he could arrange everything for his and Tasha’s wedding in just a few hours, and he did pretty well. He managed their clothes and someone to do the service, but didn’t manage to get himself to an optician to buy a decent pair of glasses. Nor did he manage to find a decent make-up artist for his bride to be. What had she exposed her face to? Kryptonite? I’ve seen less shiny faces on people in the throes of radiation poisoning. On Friday, after they are spotted at the hospital, the couple are forced to come clean about Tasha’s pregnancy – keeping it quiet that the baby is a result of her having been raped by Jonah.

The biggest news of the week is, of course, the murder of Josh, and there is no shortage of suspects bring dragged down to the police station for questioning. Top of the list on Monday is Amanda, who now stands to get Tiverson shares worth $4 million. On Wednesday Dan is brought in for questioning; then, on Thursday, it’s Martha’s turn. On Friday a doubt hangs over Tasha’s head (if only it were a guillotine, but we can but dream). Suffice it to say that they will not need crowd control at Josh’s funeral.

15th July 2006
Has lawyer Morag ever, ever won a case? She is very
thorough with all the preliminary research, and
everyone continues to ask for her advice, but she
never seems to be able to cut it in court. Alf is now
in prison owing to her incompetency, she failed to
expose Amanda and Josh’s double dealings, and now she
reckons that Kit doesn’t have a libel case against
Amanda for a story she gave to the newspapers. If
Morag were any good, she would surely have sued her
hairdresser for that orange head she carries round
like a zebra crossing pilon.
I wonder how she will fare if Tasha decides to take
Jonah to court for rape. On Monday, when Robbie and
Tasha decide to tie the knot there and then, their joy
is shortlived when Tasha realises that she is pregnant
and that it is Jonah’s baby. That will be a wedding
waltz to remember. On Tuesday Robbie storms off to the
prison, demanding answers and discovers that Josh was
paid off by the sect for fixing Tasha’s negative blood
results.
Now that everyone has a grudge against Josh and his
silly goatee, it isn’t long before someone takes a pop
at him, and on Friday, as he goes through Morag’s
files containing the secrets of Summer Bay residents,
a gunshot leaves him lying dead. Not a moment too
soon. Is it just me, or is anyone else fed up to the
back teeth with “Project 56”? Not even the sight of a
naked Amanda at the Power Point presentation was able
to lighten this deathly dull storyline, and its only
purpose appears to be to show the long lasting quality
of Amanda’s lip gloss. No matter how upset she is, no
matter what time, day or night, we see her, the
jellied lips remain intact. I can’t imagine she will
be the person who turns out to have murdered Josh;
with the amount of lip-gloss she has to keep applying,
her finger would never be dry enough to pull the
trigger.
Also on Friday, after a mix-up, Sally finds herself
off to Italy for two weeks with Colleen. And she
thought nursing Flynn through his terminal illness was
tough.

8th July 2006
It was bad enough when the old Hayley was swopped for
the new Hayley, and we were glad when she disappeared.
But now Kit is back – and looking just like imposter
Hayley! It’s really rather creepy.
On Monday Kit and Robbie are determined to expose
Josh, but they need to prove that he is abusing his
position as Mayor in order to profit financially from
Project 56. Finally, we also get to learn what it
actually is: the building of a bridge that will
by-pass Summer Bay and link to a freeway running right
through the town. Personally, I think everyone would
be a lot safer dodging traffic than they currently are
getting lost in forests and the like.
There is yet another crisis for Tasha on Friday,
when she wedges her fingers in the sink. Alas, it’s
not followed by her head.

1st July 2006
What has happened to Peter’s hair? It is now a
veritable Haagen Dazs butterscotch sculpture that
threatens to take out doorframes every time it walks
into a room. Whatever the reason behind it, it has
completely changed his personality, and there is
definitely something crooked going on in his life –
and not just the marks that kissing Leah will have
left on his face. Jack is already on to him, but on
Thursday Peter tells him to keep his nose out of his
business or he will ruin his career.
We discover that Peter has stolen a whole load of
surveillance photos of local maps, house plans,
articles, autopsy reports and other patient
information, but why?
How come everyone manages to steal everything so
effortlessly in Summer Bay? Amanda at the Council
offices, Peter at the hospital, anyone and everyone
happening to pass Irene’s house?
On Tuesday we discover that a last minute will
written by Graham leaves everything to Amanda, which
means that Robbie switched off the life support for
nothing. Pity it isn’t possible to do the same for
Tasha.

17th June 2006
I’m completely wiped out. Rarely has a soap death
taken quite so much out of me as that of Flynn’s.
“It’s too soon,” said Cassie, when Sally told her that
he had just hours to live. Too soon? It felt like a
decade. “It’s all just happened so fast,” Sally said
to Flynn. Are these people on a different time clock
to me, or something? I’d also like to know what Sally
had been feeding her husband these past few months.
He’s the only terminally sick patient I’ve ever seen
with a double chin on the deathbed.
With Flynn gone, who on earth is going to take over
all the medical work that he carried out for the whole
of Australia? On Monday his assistance will be much
needed, as Graham lies unconscious. The good news is
that he survives, but after a second heart attack
suffers a lack of oxygen and brain damage. We already
thought he’d been suffering from that when he married
Amanda, and as Robbie guesses on Tuesday, she does not
wish the life support to be turned off because she
loses everything if he dies within the first three
months of the marriage.
The case is brought to court on Wednesday, when
Amanda’s pretence at playing the grieving widow has
the judge fooled.

10th June 2006
How much longer can they drag this out? Flynn will have his bus pass before he finally pops his clogs. Last week it looked as if he was on his way, when everyone learned that he had just a few hours to live; but on Monday he’s still there and even manages to summon up enough energy to have one last dance with Sally before he goes – which, finally, he does. On Tuesday we discover that four days have passed since his death, and it’s time for the funeral. And, wouldn’t you know it, that’s still not it. As Sally scatters his ashes, the locals gather behind her with candles, and Flynn’s voice comes back over a montage of images. He’s back again on Friday, too, when Sally finds the videotape with his final message for her. Talk about refusing to go quietly.

Tasha, meanwhile, is still at the Farm, and on Thursday finds herself captive, realising that everything she had been told about The Believers by her friends is true. Throw away the key, that’s what I say.

3rd June 2006
It seemed as if it was going to be the week of all weeks, with Leah struggling in the water and no one around to help her. But it was too much to hope for, and it was just hours before she was lying safely in hospital once more. All this, just because she kissed Peter – twice, when they inadvertently found themselves kneeling on the floor next to each other. But a kiss is still a kiss, and on Wednesday, as she leaves the Surf Club, it seems that Peter might have turned stalker.

It is a week of weird men, and on Monday Tasha wakes feeling very groggy, without knowing that Jonah has slept with her. Mind you, the gormless expression on Tasha’s face makes it very unclear whether she is aware of the fact that she is breathing, let alone being seduced by a madman. The story drags on on Wednesday, with Jonah enlisting Josh’s help (yes, the ubiquitous Jonah is in on this bit of action, too) to clear his name.

All of this nonsense fades into insignificance on Friday, when Dr Matthews tells Sally that Flynn has just hours to live. Call me an old softie, but I’m dreading this. And why has no one placed an advertisement for another doctor yet? With Flynn gone, the local undertakers are going to be very, very busy.

27th May 2006
They just don’t listen, do they? Despite years of intruders, kidnappers and killers wandering in and out, willy nilly, of everyone’s houses, nobody ever thinks of the most obvious way to avoid this. Lock your doors! On Monday Ric and his crowd return from the beach to find the door ajar and the food from the table missing. Ric wonders if the culprit might be the “mystery” person he saw in the Bush, and on Tuesday he receives a note from the person, asking that he return their backpack.
 
  The ludicrous Believers story takes another turn on Thursday, when Martha too appears to be being drawn in. Accusing Jack of trying to be too controlling, she decides to stay. Little do the Believers know, however, that she and Jack have set them up, but on Friday Mumma Rose is less than convinced by the new convert. Meanwhile, Jonah is keen to get Tasha pregnant, but when things get a little hot, she pulls away. Mumma Rose decides that extreme measures are needed and pours some liquid into Tasha’s tea (It’s not often you have to drug someone into having sex in Summer Bay, but Tasha is a rare exception to the rule). Alas, though, Tasha catches Mumma Rose in the act, thereby putting her own life in danger.

8th April 2006
Why has Hayley not been able to buy any decent
maternity wear? She has been squeezing into her normal
wardrobe with the lump that is trying to pass for a
baby and looking like a travelling Taj Mahal. At last,
on Tuesday, our suffering is at an end, when she
starts to give birth. The good news is that Scott is
driving by; the bad, that there is no time to get to a
hospital, and he has to deliver the baby. He is so
busy admiring the newborn that he fails to notice that
Hayley has stopped breathing, but on Wednesday, after
frantic attempts at resuscitation, she splutters back
to life – alas. The baby is a boy and is named after
her last great love, Noah, and Kim can barely contain
his excitement.
   Amanda plans on telling Scott the truth about the
baby’s paternity, but when he responds to her
cuttingly, she changes her mind.
   There is more pregnancy talk on Thursday, when Leah
learns that she is not expecting (we can all breathe a
sigh of relief). The question is whether she and Dan
can keep shelling out $3,500 for each IVF treatment –
probably not; I imagine that most of her cash went on
that Pompidou Centre of a brace construction she had
in her mouth.
   Also on Thursday, Martha is taking shooting
lessons, and on Friday she decides to apply for a
licence to carry one. I suppose it’s too much to hope
for that she might turn it on herself?

1st April 2006
I don’t know much about mercury poisoning, but does it
really make people speak as if they have had their
wisdom teeth removed without anaesthetic? Irene is
talking in the most bizarre way, and I also can’t help
wondering why the hospital has not done any tests to
rule out physical abnormalities. Surely, if they did,
they would say: “Hey! She has more mercury in her than
an NHS dentist’s patient!”
   On Monday, Corey confesses to Irene that he has
been poisoning her, but everyone thinks this is just
another of her delusions and she is put on stronger
medication. On Tuesday Jack discovers the link between
the people Corey has had committed to psychiatric
hospital – they all served on the jury which convicted
his father, who then committed suicide. What is a
copper doing, committing people, anyway? On Wednesday,
after a dramatic chase through the Bush, it’s all
over, but not before Martha faces another terrifying
ordeal. Amazingly, despite her surfeit of teeth, she
manages to scream.
   On Friday Amanda is up to no good again, when she
pretends to miscarry the baby that never was. The good
news is, Scott discovers the truth; the bad, Hayley
has gone away to get some space. Given the enormity of
the cushion under her sweater, let’s hope it’s a lot.

25th March 2006
It was bad enough when Alf’s brain tumour made him
think that his dead wife Ailsa was back in the land of
the living; now Irene is going through the same.
Despite having been given a clean bill of health by
the doctor on Friday, she has started seeing dead
people, and on Monday it is Ken whom she reckons has
been with her all day. The doctor reckoned that the
symptoms could be stress-related, but Hayley’s heart
sinks because she thinks Irene is going mad. Now the
psychiatrist Dr Jenkins reckons that her symptoms
point to schizophrenia. On Thursday we discover the
truth: Corey has been poisoning her with mercury. They
don’t do things by halves in Summer Bay, do they?
   Sally is on the edge as well. What on earth did she
think she was doing, using her mobile phone in the
classroom while her pupils were sitting an exam this
week? On Wednesday Flynn is annoyed with her again,
now that more people know about his illness.
   The ongoing Will they?/Won’t they? Saga of Hayley
and Scott finally comes to a head on Friday, when the
couple admit what they feel for each other and kiss.
It’s a miracle Scott can get anywhere near her with
that stomach, but it’s all bad news for Amanda, who
can only watch and weep.

18th March 2006
I’ve never really seen the attraction of Scott, who
seems to me a bit of a loser. What, exactly, does he
do on those boats all day? He’s certainly not reading
any boating manuals, because every time he takes to
the sea, there’s an accident. On Monday Alf gets word
that not one, but two boats have been found washed up
on the beach, and there is no sign of Scott and
Amanda, who took them. This is all food for thought
for Hayley, who realises that it is Scott and not Kim
that she loves, but Amanda has an announcement that
might change everything.
   Just in case boating accidents and Flynn’s cancer
do not get you where it hurts, on Friday Irene goes to
the doctor with a suspected brain tumour. Happy days!

11th March 2006
The return of Josh West brings back bad memories for
the residents of Summer Bay, but on Monday he insists
he has turned over a new leaf and wants to make the
past up to everyone. He begins by making Colleen take
a cheque, plus extra, for what he did to her mobile
phone. On Tuesday it is clear that he is the same old
Josh, when he tries to persuade Amanda to do his dirty
work for him, but when she decides not to play ball,
he threatens to tell Hayley and Scott the true
paternity of the baby. How much longer can they keep
this one going? Probably as long as they can the
ubiquitous storyline about characters being lost at
sea/in a plane/in the Bush.
   Scott has been unluckier than most in this respect;
indeed, it is incredible anyone ever recognises him
upon his returns, he spends so much time being lost.
On Friday he is lost again at sea, this time with
Amanda. Meanwhile, back at the wedding breakfast, Kim
is giving Hayley the chance to back out if he is not
who she truly wants. Make sure you grab the food and
drink before making your decision, Hayley.

4th March 2006
I keep warning them about security, but it’s all to no
avail, and on Wednesday Irene’s house is trashed –
again. Jack and Corey come round to investigate, and
when Colleen suggests that Irene take in a lodger,
Corey duly obliges.
   Flynn had a slightly easier week when two other
doctors appeared in the Bay. Alas, one of them was
then killed in a car crash, so it was back into
overdrive for Flynn. The news that he has cancer,
however, will be sending tremors through a community
so heavily dependent upon him, but on Friday Sally can
see that he is not handling his illness with the
bravery he claims.
   Dr Free’s accident also has repercussions for
Amanda, who is desperate to get her hands on the
paternity test results the doctor had demanded. On
Monday, through devious means, she obtains the samples
from the hospital, and on Tuesday is shocked to
discover that Scott is the father of Hayley’s baby.
   It is inevitable that Scott and Hayley will end up
together, and on Tuesday a chance meeting reinforces
what they feel for each other. Personally, I’d stick
with Kim, if only for the fact that he does not own
one shirt and spends his every waking moment walking
around in a variety of vests.

25th February 2006
Why on earth would Amanda want to live with Tasha and
Robbie? She’ll need ear-plugs if he so much asks her
if she wants a slice of toast in the morning. On
Wednesday she has bigger worries on her mind and seeks
our her old acquaintance Darryl, to get some cash.
When she emerges from the motel room the next morning,
adjusting her clothes, she is unaware that Kit is
there taking a photo on her mobile phone.
   On Friday Kim is excited to discover that he and
Hayley could have a country house wedding in three
weeks. I’m sorry, but no. Ginger hair, scruffy, rotten
clothes, a personality transplant - I want the old
Hayley back.

18th February 2006
I think I must have missed an episode: when did they
switch Hayley? Could they not have found someone who
looked remotely like the old one? Not since they
switched Miss Ellie in Dallas in the Eighties have I
been so distressed, and I can’t believe that Kim would
not have screamed in shock when he saw his
girlfriend’s replacement.
   It hasn’t put him off, though, and on Monday he
makes a shock proposal (sadly, not “I propose we get
the old Hayley back”). He hides the engagement ring in
an ice-cream bowl, but, unbeknown to him, she swops
them . . . with hilarious results! Not. On Tuesday
Scott comes over to congratulate the couple, and it is
clear that Scott and Hayley still have feelings for
each other.
   I told you it wouldn’t be long before Leah hit the
depths of despair again, following her blissful
marriage to Dan, and, sure enough, on Thursday she is
devastated to learn that she may never be able to have
children (that’s a blessing for us, trust me). The
swab that Flynn left inside her has resulted in
blocked fallopian tubes, and she gives Dan the chance
to opt out of the marriage. He reckons that Leah is
all he needs, which just makes me think that he should
get out more.

11th February 2006
Life is about to get very complicated – again. On
Tuesday Hayley is pleased to discover that Kim has had
a drink with Hyde, and she starts to look forward to a
complication-free life for a change. But not so fast.
Who is that pulling into the Bay? It’s Kit, Kim’s ex,
who on Tuesday says that she still wants him, if he
will have her. When Kit starts to doubt Hayley’s love
for Kim on Thursday, she is tempted by the bottle
again, but manages to resist. If she has managed to
resist every café bar in Europe since she went away,
the only bottle in Summer Bay was never going to be
that much of a problem.
   On Friday there is a strange but passionate
encounter between Jack and Martha at the cliff edge,
and the pair end up kissing passionately. With
Martha’s teeth, let’s hope that Jack has already
booked in for the cosmetic surgery he will undoubtedly
need.

4th February 2006
Poor old Flynn. You just have to feel sorry for him.
He spends years treating every patient with every
illness within a humdred mile radius, and then comes
out of hospital himself, only to discover that nobody
has any sympathy for what he is going through.
   On Tuesday he gets even more paranoid about the
dreams about death he has been having, but Sally has
little patience with his obsession. When she discovers
he has made a will without consulting her (What has he
got to leave? His only possession is a stethoscope),
she rushes out of the house, closely followed by him.
When he collapses, he thinks it is his dream coming
true, but the doctor later reassures him it was an
anxiety attack (probably brought on by discovering
that there is another doctor other than him in the
vicinity after all).
   There is yet more death in the air on Friday
(Summer Bay’s undertakers and florists are even more
overworked than Flynn), when a blackmail threat makes
Amanda take desperate action. On Friday she has to
disguise what has happened, and when Leo Simms is
found dead, Amanda is called to the police station.
Then Jack hits his head when he comes out of the
shower and is out cold. Is he a gonner too? More
flowers, just in case.

28th January 2006
No, I’m sorry, this is getting ridiculous now. Is
anyone safe for more than 30 seconds in their home? On
Monday Scott arrives at Amanda’s flat and finds the
door slightly ajar (I keep telling you – shut the
damned things!). When he enters, he finds that not
only has the room been trashed, but Amanda has been
bound and gagged and has a nasty bruise on her
shoulder.

   The burglar (for it is allegedly he), it transpires
on Tuesday, has taken all her valuables, which, in
that place, can’t really amount to much. On Wednesday,
however, it turns out that there was no burglar
because . . . Amanda made the whole thing up. Yes,
probably after getting the idea having seen so many
break-ins and kidnaps on Home and Away. Oblivious to
this (as he is to most things), Scott ends up
comforting and kissing her (again, as he does with
most things that stand still long enough).

   No sooner has Flynn recovered from his surgery than
on Thursday he is operating on Hayley, who has
collapsed. Cue defibrillators – which will be the most
action Hayley has seen all year and, hopefully, enough
to get her personality jump-started.

21st January 2005
How on earth have Australia’s medical services been

coping while Flynn has been in hospital? We know that

the ubiquitous doctor treats everyone, so it’s not

surprising that on Monday he wants to be discharged.

He’s been having bad dreams since the operation to

remove his spleen (as opposed to his backbone, which

he lost years ago), and when he gets home he shares

his fears with Sally (who, alas, he discovers is not a

bad dream, but reality).


   The best news of the week is on Friday, when Leah

has to leave for Cyprus because her grandfather is

dying. New husband Dan cannot go with her, which

results in a swift end to their honeymoon period. Told

you it wouldn’t last.

14th January 2006
Oh no! Hayley’s had a frontal lobotomy! What else
could explain the return of that dreadful hairband?
Maybe it is just there to keep her brains in place,
although if that is the case, would she really need
such a big one?

Still, she and Kim appear to be making the best of
things as they await the baby, and on Thursday, when
they see the baby’s heartbeat on the scan, Kim tells
her that he loves her – hairband and all.

At least she doesn’t look as bad as Ric’s
girlfriend Cassie, who is the colour of an over-ripe
tangerine; and at least she isn’t in as bad a way as
Flynn, who on Tuesday has to undergo a lifesaving
operation. When will these people ever learn? If you
venture out for longer than ten minutes, you are going
to end up at the bottom of a river/cliff/mineshaft. If
everyone just stuck to the café and played pool, they
would not have to deal with so many problems and
certainly save on the medical bills.

Robbie, WHOSE SHOUTING IS GETTING WORSE EVEN THOUGH IT IS JUST HE AND TASHA LIVING IN ONE ROOM, is determined to show Beth how well they are coping, and
on Thursday they invite Irene and Beth over for a
meal. Let’s hope they take their ear-plugs. On Friday
the pair decide to hold a housewarming and both find a
man to fix up with Martha. I hope she visits the
dentist before the big day; Jesse had to have
reconstructive surgery after coming into contact with
her gnashers. When both men leave (who wouldn’t?), she
sets her sights on Constable Jack, who arrives to ask
them to turn the noise down – Robbie, brsumably,
rather than the music.

31st December 2005
What a difference a day makes. One moment Jesse is asking Chloe out, believing that she really likes him; the next, she's dead, he realises he's responsible, and, tomorrow, contemplates topping himself as he walks along the clifftop with a bottle of Bourbon.   

After much soul-searching, on Tuesday he decides to give himself up, but no amount of remorse is good enough for Alf: to him, Jesse is a murderer. Maybe, Alf; but as killers go, he's a very cute one. It's the funeral on Wednesday, when we also learn that Cassie and Ric have slept together. That's rigor mortis on two counts next week, then.

24th December 2005
That was something of a party week, what with Leah and Dan getting hitched, and Alf's 60th birthday. The wedding was cringe-making, the birthday rather touching, with flashbacks of people and events from the past. It all ended in tears, of course, and on Monday Alf sits in the hospital corridor, contemplating the horrors of the crash. There is one fatality, and when Jesse hears the news on Wednesday, he wastes no time in setting out to get the person he believes responsible - Troy. On Friday, however, the truth dawns, as Jesse recalls the events of the fateful evening. Not with his top off, alas.

17th December 2005
Like the residents of Albert Square, the people of Summer Bay spend most of their time looking for each other. No sooner was Chloe found last week, than there's another hunt on on Monday when Leah goes missing. Unlike most people, though, she has not been kidnapped or being held hostage, she is just suffering from br-wedding nerves. At last, however, she is found, and the ceremony takes place. Thank goodness for that. Now, I wonder, how long will it be before she starts kissing someone else and we go down that path all over again?   

And guess what? On Thursday a big surprise has been laid on for Alf's birthday, but . . . That's right. He's gone missing. Ric eventually tracks down his note and discovers that he's gone fishing. But all's well that ends well and he is brought back in time to enjoy the celebrations.   

It is not such a happy day for Jesse, though, when Chloe apologises to him if she made him think there was anything going on between them - she thought they were just hanging out together. Are you nuts, woman? Still, at least it puts me back in the frame.

10th December 2005
What did I say last week, about the inordinate number of kidnappings and hostage situations in Summer Bay? Incredibly, there is another one on Tuesday, when Chloe finds herself trapped in the house with Troy. The argument escalates when she rejects his advances, but she gets away, only to be cornered by him in the park. Luckily, Jesse comes to the rescue.   

There is romance in the air for Robbie and Tasha on Friday, who, on their camping holiday, decide to take their relationship to another level after a makeshift "wedding" ceremony. Blimey. It's taken them long enough. At the rate they were going, it looked like they would have their bus passes before each other.   

It is also Leah's wedding day on Friday, but after a strong of disasters, she announces that the ceremony is off.

3rd December 2005
When will the residents of Summer Bay learn that a kiss is never just a kiss? We last had months of kissing trauma when Leah, who, at the time, was with Jesse, kissed Flynn, who was with Sally. On Monday we look set to go through it all again, when, after a tete a tete, discussing their doomed relationships, Scott and Josie indulge in a passionate snog. It takes only until Tuesday for the secret to come out, when Scott reveals all in his drunkenness. Hayley vents her anger on Josie, but mid-flow falls to the floor in agony, and on Wednesday is rushed to hospital. And guess who is there to tend to her? That's right! The ubiquitous Dr Flynn. He and Coronation Street's Nurse Martin should really get together.

Let's not forget that, meanwhile, the box containing the secret document revealing that Scott, not Kim, is really the father of Hayley's baby, is lying right before Josie's eyes. If ever she stops seeing double for long enough, she might manage to locate it.

26th November 2005
Is it me, or do people disappear/get kidnapped in Summer Bay at a rate way above the world average? On Monday there's a search party out in the area where Matilda's bag has been found, but when she tries to escape on Tuesday, Terry is hot on her heels. Just as she is back safely on Wednesday, there's another drama on Friday, when Diesel holds Sally hostage. It all ends happily ever after (at least, for now), and Diesel admits that he framed Sally, resulting her losing her job and her reputation. Why can't a madman just snatch Tasha and Robbie?